The Daily Challenge

Can you tell blogging has not been a priority of mine lately?  9 months since the last post.  Oh well.  A lot has gone on since then, but there's no need to rehash it since you probably already know what about the move and transition back to Whittier, which has been great.

Anyway, I just felt the need to spill my heart right now, which usually doesn't mean good things, and that would seem to be the case here again.  Sorry to seem so negative, but this seems to be a good outlet for me to let things out which is much better than holding it in and letting everyone at home suffer with me.

As you probably know, I went through major depression almost 4 years ago now, and since then I have being on medications and seeing a psychiatrist regularly.  Since going through depression, I think I have changed in the sense that I am more irritable and don't care as much about who may be upset with what I say, with the exception of my wife and kids.  All this to say that is why I don't feel the need to be as concerned about what people think about what I say. This is who I am; take it or leave it.

Ok, so now the topic that I really wanted to write about when I first signed on.  Recently (a few weeks ago) I was contacted by a recruiter for a position that would have been amazing and probably would have changed how we live for the better.  Fortunately, the process didn't last very long and I didn't even get an interview even thought the recruiter seemed pretty interested in me.  I have a great job that I really enjoy right now with Hyundai.  The only way I plan on leaving this job anytime soon is if somebody makes me an offer that I would be stupid to say no to because I like where I work and feel like I am a good fit with the team.  Plus with our department manager having retired a week ago (without warning), it seems like a good opportunity to further establish myself there.

However, the whole situation with the recruiter made me start reflecting (more than usual) on where I am at in life in two sense: personally and professionally.  Personally, I'm pretty happy.  I love my family and am so glad to have them in my lives. (And just to clarify, by family, I mean wife and kids.)  I wouldn't change anything.

Professionally I have issues that really get me down.  Like I said I do enjoy where I work now, but looking at the bigger picture of my career, it is nowhere near where I think I should be at this point in life.  I'm headed into my late 30's and seem to have made pretty much no vertical movement in the nearly 12 years I have been out of teaching. I am very glad I left teaching, especially with all the crap that profession is going through right now in California.

Based on the goals and direction I planned in taking my career once I knew I was where I wanted to be, I have been a failure, and I do not deal with failure well, which is a big reason as to why I went through and still battle depression.  I expect a lot from myself and expect myself to to succeed at whatever I try to do. Needless to say the setbacks I have had in my career are probably why I am where I am professionally now.  The big three that have caused setbacks: being fired from my job in '07, depression in '09 and being laid off (and unemployed for a year) in '10. 

If I had been able to get this job the recruiter had contacted me for, it would gotten my career back on track to about where I think I should be at this point.  That's where this emotional speed bump originated. 

The reason it seems to persist is because of another major fault of mine...the need to compare myself to others in order to determined where I stand in life.  It's something I wish I could change easily, but it also feels like me changing that fault is about as likely to happen as terrorists are to completely disappear.

So who do I compare myself to, you may ask? Pretty much anybody...friends, family, whoever.  I spend a fair amount of time on Facebook, probably too much time, and it seems like so many people have perfect lives.  They are taking trips, having family outings to these places that cost a lot of money, and just generally looking like they don't have a care in the world. I realize that's not always the case but I do generally respect those that post the occasional life struggle on Facebook.  It's a good reminder that I'm not the only one struggling in life. Regardless, everyday (lately) I see how short I have fallen of where I should be.  My job should be at a higher level; I should have been at my employer for at least 7 years, not 7 months; retirement is seeming less and less likely as we had to use a chunk of my 401k for expenses and although I am contributing to it again, it's not much because we have other things that need to be taken care of now.

Then there are the health issues I have to deal with: depression, as I already mentioned, and Atrial Fibrillation, which could technically kill me any time I have an episode.  I'm 36 (almost 37) and I have to take 11 pills daily as a result.  That's ridiculous!! My high cholesterol has been determined to primarily be genetic, atrial fibrillation is something I'll just have to live with unless they determine there is a need to do surgery, and the depression feels like something I'll always battle for the reason mentioned above. 

I know there are people who are concerned about my health, specifically being overweight and not having the best eating habits, so I care a little because they care, but at the same time, I don't care that much.  I hear it almost daily whether it be from family or friends at work and I've gotten to the point where I feel like rolling my eyes anytime it is brought up.  I'm just tired of it.

It's certainly not the life I pictured I would have at this point, but it is the life I have.  I trust that this is all part of God's purpose for me, but I'm tired of trying to figure it out; what happens, happens.  So everyday, I will continue going through this life enjoying it as much as I can, knowing the whole time that I am a disappointment (at least to myself).  Hopefully someday this will turnaround, but I don't see that anytime in the near future.  However, I do appreciate that God gives us the opportunity and hope of a new day.  That keeps my hopes up that things will turnaround eventually.