Unloading

To say the last week and a half has been a struggle would be accurate. Monica was a good friend and although it appeared she would leave us sometime, I did not expect it to affect me as much as it has. I knew it would hurt. It's not like we were best friends, but she was a good friend and I have never lost anyone this close to me before. I think that's probably why this is tough.

I tried to do her good when I spoke at her service last Saturday, and from the feedback I've received, it appears I did well. However, the strength I tried to show during the service and since her death has been a show. Or at least that's how it feels.

Since she has relocated to Heaven, it has caused me to take a look at my life, what I've accomplished and those I (may) have had an influence on. I don't like what I've been thinking as a result of this self-analysis. I have had many negative thoughts as a result of looking at my life so far. Sure, there have been successes, but being one who tends to dwell on negatives, that is all I can seem to focus on.

Something else that is not good for me (to some degree) is that I tend not to accept failure at anything. That only applies to me though, not my family. I'm trying not to pass that on to my family, especially the girls, as I know it is not always healthy. However, I think it is something I will always struggle with and at times like this, it is just not good for me. Looking at Monica's life, I can only hope to be half the person she was.

I've been holding in all these emotions, the loss of a dear friend and the disappointment of a life of many failures, for too long. Thus the blog title. It's time to unload these emotions, and hopefully they don't upset anybody.

I have not enjoyed my time in the car, or on the train or the walk to the shuttle for work as during these times, I have constant thoughts and feelings running through me. And they don't make me feel any better. Even the good music from the radio or iPod can't seem to help. (Right now I've got my Christian music and HSM playlist on it.) I feel like I'm going through the motions of life and not getting anything accomplished. I constantly think about about the various failures I've had so far, such as our financial situation, the periodic yelling at home (whether it's me or the girls or both, which I know I have passed on based on my behavior), being let go from my last job, the state of the Sunday school class I "lead", the fact that our Colorado trip is in jeopardy, and the list goes on. Couple that with the emotions of losing a friend and I just don't know how much more I can handle in my head. I feel like I need a good cry, but just can't get it out. I feel very fragile and vulnerable, and I don't like that. I wish I could just move on in life, but I know I can't and don't know how reasonable that would be anyway. If I didn't have Traci and the girls at home, I don't know how I would be right now as it feels like I would have no motivation for anything. Fortunately, they give me motivation to make it through the day as I love seeing them when I get home, even if it's only for a few hours.

I guess I just don't know how to handle it all and that drives me crazy. I like to be in control and I don't feel even close to that right now. At least I've got God and the comfort that He will not give me more than I can handle. Just wish I knew how long these feelings and emotions would last.